All Over But the Shoutin'...

And just like that, I'm done with seminary.  How weird.  Actually, I've been done for a week now, since senior grades had to be turned in last week, but today was my last class.  I'll be honest - it feels weird.  Like, wait, what just happened?  The last four years have absolutely flown by - where did they go?  Lost in a whirlwind of classes and friends and CPE and internship and crazy people and awesome professors and "vocational discernment" and work and books and tragedy and comedy and just ... incredibleness.  It's just...gone.

I'm not sad, per se.  Just...sentimental.  The saying-goodbye piece is different here than in high school and college.  Of course, there's the last day of classes and baccalaureate and graduation and and and.  And maybe I'll be sad then.  But my friends are all leaving at different times and different paces.  You bond differently in seminary, or at least, I did, than in high school or college.  There are a couple college friends that are people I care about very much still, but very few of them are people that weren't in "my class".  Those few who weren't are people who, for whatever reason, I just stayed - or became? - close to.  But so much of high school and college revolves around "your class".  Basically everyone is in and out in 4 years, and while we all go off to different colleges or jobs or grad schools, being that graduating class is the main thing.

Seminary has been much different.  I've bonded with people over faith, over key experiences, over classes and professors and - frankly - the important things.  The things that have made me friends with people from high school and college who were in "not my class".  There are people who have graduated before me - and who will graduate after me - who are my true "classmates", my true friends, the ones who I know will be there with me and for me when the road ahead is tough. We all come from different places, and we are going different places.  Some of us have been here 4 years, some 2, some 10.  But love - the love of Christ - has brought us and bound us together.  And I am so, so grateful.

I'm not much of a name-dropper, but I'm doing it here.  Maybe because I need to tell this to myself, maybe because I want to let the people I love know that I love them, maybe because I need to give thanks to God for all that he's given me.

I am grateful for Katie - who I think was possibly my first "seminary friend" - one of the first, anyway.  And she is also, I think, my "last seminary friend."  I am grateful for her companionship, her laughs, her hugs, and her always understanding what I'm trying to say.  I'm grateful that she has been attached to my hip, and that she drinks wine with me, and tries to convince me that I need to not tolerate people's crap.

I am grateful for Liz - she who understands the strangeness of home.  I'm grateful that she never judges, never condemns - I'm grateful that she lifts me up and dusts me off when I need it.  I'm grateful that she is such a good listener, and that she loves Jesus and is always as excited to see me as I am to see her.

I am grateful for Rachel - I'm grateful that she pushes to places that I need to go, and I'm grateful that she tells me who I belong to and how much I am worth.  I am grateful to her for showing me what freedom in Christ looks like.

I am grateful for Brian - I am grateful that he has taught me to stand my ground, and to seek the Truth at all times.  I am grateful for his ministry, and the call on his life, and his ability to preach the Gospel - even to me. 

I am grateful for Andrea - I am grateful that she is kind and sweet and loving and pastoral.  I am grateful that she so often confirms my suspicions about what ministry looks like, and I am grateful that she teaches me so much.

I am grateful for Angela - I am grateful for her quirky, honest takes on life, love, and ministry.  I am grateful that she makes me reevaluate my presuppositions, and I am grateful that she makes me laugh and loves so deeply.

I am grateful for Susan - I am grateful she picked me, Angela, Andrea, and Brian.  I pray that, in the end, it may turn out to have been as life-giving of a choice for her as it was for all of us.

I am grateful for Will - I am grateful to him for reminding me that good guys do still exist, and that they love Jesus, and that said love bleeds out into the rest of their lives.  I'm grateful that he has been such a fantastic co-HR, that he humors me and my quirks, and pushes me when I need to be pushed.

I am grateful for Tim - I am grateful to him for teaching me about boundaries, and how hard they are to draw, and how necessary.

I am grateful to Melinda - I am grateful for her honesty.  I am grateful for her laughter, and I am grateful to her for reminding me - the former MA - that MAs still exist.

I am grateful to Susan - I am grateful to her for her faith and for her witness.  I am grateful for her prayers and for her example.  I am grateful for her help with my Prophets paper.

I am grateful to Dr. Jacobson - I am grateful to him for slowly, by example, teaching me what it means to live the life I've been given.

I am grateful to Dr. Koester - I am grateful to him for providing the inspiration for so many sermons I will preach.  I am grateful to him for asking the important questions.

I am grateful to Dr. (?) Fever - I am grateful to him for showing me what responsible, faithful Biblical scholarship looks like.  I am grateful that he provided a setting where I could learn to get along with St. Paul.

I am grateful to Dr. Malcolm - I am grateful that she taught me what it means to be free.  I am grateful that the Holy Spirit works so powerfully through her words.

I am grateful to Dr. Throntveit - I am grateful that he understands what it means to teach the Bible specifically to people who are becoming pastors.  I am grateful for his faith, and for his desire to build up the faith of his students.

I am grateful to Bishop Foss - I am grateful that he is kind and caring and loves Jesus so much.  I am grateful that he has accepted God's call to be exactly where he needs to be.

I am grateful to Mike - I am grateful that he pushed me towards this vocation, even when I didn't really want him to, and even when I thought he was wrong because of so many things I couldn't tell him.

I am grateful to my candidacy committee - I am grateful that even though they are crazy, they made me fight for my voice, and fight for my call.

I am grateful to God - I am grateful that he has stuck by me, his unworthy servant, despite my repeated attempts to not listen, my repeated instances of totally misinterpreting him, and my general failure every day to live as though I actually believe in him.  I am grateful that he still loves me. 

Something Good

So...I was trying to think of something good to write about, when suddenly it came to me: I preached in chapel this past week.  And I absolutely loved it.  It felt really, really good to be in the pulpit again, proclaiming God's word to people who were craving it.  Frankly, I was surprised by how good it felt. 

At the beginning of this school year, they offered the seniors a chance to preach, if we wanted it.  At the time, I was in my crabby Elijah-like mode ("God, I'm the only one left!), and I knew that if I took the chance to preach it would be all wrong - it would be about proving a point and having an agenda, and that is SO not the reason to preach.  So right away, I decided that I wouldn't do it.  But over a couple weeks, my heart kind of softened and I started to pray about it.  As in, I had one of those internal nudges that says, "Maybe you should pray about it."  So I did.  And I basically just said, "Ok, God.  If you want me to preach, you need to give me the text, and you need to give me the topic, because if I do it, it's just going to screw it up."  And lo and behold, over the course of this year, a text and topic slowly came to me.  It sort of evolved and refined itself, impacted by so many different events and experiences this year, until it was all just there.  And I kept thinking to myself, "I should go down to the chapel office and offer to preach sometime."  But I kept not doing it. 

Until a couple months ago.  I was having dinner with a friend, and relaying the end of this process.  "So, I'm thinking about preaching in chapel....I don't know...I told God he'd have to pick the text and the topic...but I don't know."  His response was, "So, do you have a text?"  "Yes."  "Do you have a topic?" "Yes."  "What's keeping you from doing this?"  "Um, walking over to the office and signing up." 

Ok, fine, God.  I'll do it. 

So, I did it.  I ditched the lectionary, and dove right into Matthew 8:1-17.  This was a good sermon, and it felt good to preach.  I don't say it was good as "look how awesome I am" kind of comment, but as a "look how awesome God is, because I certainly am not this awesome" kind of comment.  And I really never ever mail/email/publish my sermons, because, I don't know, it feels sort of arrogant.  But this one felt good, and it felt good to do it, and so I'm going to post the text.  It's behind the jump, so if you think it's lacking humility for me to put it out there, don't click on it, and pray that I would be convicted of the sin.  I beg your and God's forgiveness.  It just seems right, right now.

Thoughts on the End of the School Year

Been feeling a little down lately (how come I never write when I'm "up"?  Am I one of those depressingly morose writers? Ick, I hope not)...

Anyway, I think it's the idea that all of this is coming to an end.  I'm almost done - graduation is in just a couple weeks, and then it's...who knows what?  I like school so much, and I wanted to get into grad school so badly, for a whole lot of reasons, and that didn't happen.  I don't know why, and I'm as confused as all the people who said, "What?  How did you not get in?"  I have no idea.

But apparently God wants me preaching in the ELCA, at least for the time being, so there we go.  That's what I'm doing, and I'll do it gladly.  Assignment is in June, and I guess we'll just see what happens.  Here we go, God.

I miss my friends, too.  I have lots of great friends here, they're wonderful.  But none of them are my best friend.  I have three people that I would consider my BFFs - all of them read this blog, and you know who you are.  I miss you guys like crazy, and I wish I lived to closer to any (all) of you so we could hang out and do the things that BFFs do.  It's hard to be single in a world made for couples, and it's hard to be friends with people who are best friends.  It's hard to go to a party when everyone there is "with" someone else - and know that I'm there "by myself" - no matter how much I'm friends with all of them.  At the end of the night, I'm going home alone and they're going home with their spouse or BFF to dish.  I don't begrudge anybody their relationships - their marriages or SOs or BFFs - I love mine too.  I just wish mine were around to hang with.  I need a bigger circle of friends, and I feel like every time I find one, they move or disappear or I end up being their "second" friend.  Meh.  It's time for me to get out of this place.

Speaking of friends, me and a couple of mine have been doing a Bible study on 1 Peter.  This past week we did 1 Peter 3, which starts with, 

"Likewise, wives, be subject to your husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct.  Do not let your adorning be external, - the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear - but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious.  For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord.  And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.  Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered."

 I know a lot of people think this isn't worth much in the modern age, that at best, it was nice back in 1st century Palestine when marriage was all women had going for them, but now, we've become so enlightened and blah blah blah.  But I don't know, it's in the canon, so as far as I'm concerned, we have to deal with it.  And the thing about dealing with it is, at least for me, I wish I was that person.  I wish that I had a hidden heart and an imperishably beautiful gentle and quiet spirit.  But I don't.  I don't do nearly enough good, and I fear lots of things that are frightening.  And I don't know how to not be that way.  Because when I'm being gentle and quiet, most of the thoughts in my head are really self-defeating: "Of course no one wants to listen to what you have to say.  Stop thinking you always need to be the center of attention.  Why don't you shut up for once?  No one wants to be around you."

I think that there are no men out there who - will ever - appreciate who I am.  I'm pretty sure they are all turned off by my brash loudness, or alternatively, don't understand and don't know how to support my desire to learn to be gentle and quiet in healthy ways.  All the liberated men don't understand why I want to learn to be Biblical, and all the conservative ones can see for themselves that I'm not.  Excellent.  I am a rock star.

Ugh.  Sorry to my four readers that this blog is like the All Depression, All the Time Channel.  Some of what I'm doing though, is just working through my own issues, and it helps to write them down and name them for myself.