Graduation Day

A friend asked me today on the way to church how I "feel about today."  I told him, "I don't know.  I don't know how I'm supposed to feel."  Which doesn't really matter, I suppose.  I should feel what I feel, not what anybody else tells me I should feel.  But still.

I feel like all my friends are just super-excited - as well they should be.  Graduation is exciting.  It's a good thing.  It's a ritual to mark all that we've done.  But I'm just not super-excited.  I mostly just want it to be over with. 

Part of it, I think, is my introverted hate-being-the-center-of-attention self.  So, at least there will be 174 other people there.  Still and all, that 5-10 seconds of me, by myself, up there.  What if I trip on the steps or miss some kind of cue or walk faster or slower than I'm supposed to or any other number of things that could happen?  The only thing I hate more than having everyone watch me is looking ridiculous while everyone is watching me.

Part of it, I think, is feeling really...separated...from my friends right now.  Like the people I care about most, I'm most distant from, because of all sorts of reasons.  Some of them are in a different class, and they're all off on internship, and I'm sad that we don't get to do this together.  Some of them I've just been less connected with lately - somewhat intentionally on my part, and somewhat intentionally on their part.  

Part of it is, I think, feeling like this thing is ending, but nothing else is really beginning.  I'm more than a month away from the draft, before I know anything else about what is happening.  Just...hanging out.  Going to a couple ordinations this week, and then I'm going home for my sister's wedding.

And that's part of it too.  What's next is that I'm spending three weeks at home getting ready for her wedding.  Which will definitely be long enough.  I'm frustrated because I'm the only person who is taking that much time off from work and - life, really - to be there for this wedding, and no one seems to really appreciate that.  I don't live there anymore, and I don't have friends there, and there's really nothing for me to do except...be in my parents' dealing with wedding stuff.  And every time we talk about the wedding, I feel inadequate.  Like love is the one thing I haven't proven I can be successful at, and what's wrong with me that this is true?  Every time my mom goes on one of her "I can't believe how wonderful Fiancee is" monologues, it leaves me feeling 4 inches tall.  Like if I were only skinnier/prettier/more graceful/more ladylike/more alluring/more perfect/smarter/funnier/ontologically just...better...somehow, someone would want me.  But I'm not, and no one does, and so I'll just have to a) try harder at that particular endeavor, and b) gird my loins, try my hardest, and do all these other things, so that at least I can claim I'm successful at something, even if it is entirely by myself.  And I'm just not looking forward to being confronted with that every moment of every day for three weeks. 

Part of it is, I think, that I'm just not sure why this is that big of a deal.  There was never any doubt in my mind that I would graduate, that I would be able to complete the requirements to obtain this degree.  It's not my dream, it's not my life's goal, it's just...apparently the direction God has led/is leading me, and it's where I am now, so, whatevs.

And I think because I think all of these things - that I don't feel the way I'm supposed to, that I'm disconnected from the people I care most about, that I don't have anything really to look forward to, that I don't think it's a huge deal - makes me feel even more like I just don't really fit in anywhere right now.  Because I don't think anyone else feels that way...which makes it hard to be excited...let the cycle begin again....

Eh.  I'm ready for it to be over, that's how I feel.  Is that terrible?

All Over But the Shoutin'...

And just like that, I'm done with seminary.  How weird.  Actually, I've been done for a week now, since senior grades had to be turned in last week, but today was my last class.  I'll be honest - it feels weird.  Like, wait, what just happened?  The last four years have absolutely flown by - where did they go?  Lost in a whirlwind of classes and friends and CPE and internship and crazy people and awesome professors and "vocational discernment" and work and books and tragedy and comedy and just ... incredibleness.  It's just...gone.

I'm not sad, per se.  Just...sentimental.  The saying-goodbye piece is different here than in high school and college.  Of course, there's the last day of classes and baccalaureate and graduation and and and.  And maybe I'll be sad then.  But my friends are all leaving at different times and different paces.  You bond differently in seminary, or at least, I did, than in high school or college.  There are a couple college friends that are people I care about very much still, but very few of them are people that weren't in "my class".  Those few who weren't are people who, for whatever reason, I just stayed - or became? - close to.  But so much of high school and college revolves around "your class".  Basically everyone is in and out in 4 years, and while we all go off to different colleges or jobs or grad schools, being that graduating class is the main thing.

Seminary has been much different.  I've bonded with people over faith, over key experiences, over classes and professors and - frankly - the important things.  The things that have made me friends with people from high school and college who were in "not my class".  There are people who have graduated before me - and who will graduate after me - who are my true "classmates", my true friends, the ones who I know will be there with me and for me when the road ahead is tough. We all come from different places, and we are going different places.  Some of us have been here 4 years, some 2, some 10.  But love - the love of Christ - has brought us and bound us together.  And I am so, so grateful.

I'm not much of a name-dropper, but I'm doing it here.  Maybe because I need to tell this to myself, maybe because I want to let the people I love know that I love them, maybe because I need to give thanks to God for all that he's given me.

I am grateful for Katie - who I think was possibly my first "seminary friend" - one of the first, anyway.  And she is also, I think, my "last seminary friend."  I am grateful for her companionship, her laughs, her hugs, and her always understanding what I'm trying to say.  I'm grateful that she has been attached to my hip, and that she drinks wine with me, and tries to convince me that I need to not tolerate people's crap.

I am grateful for Liz - she who understands the strangeness of home.  I'm grateful that she never judges, never condemns - I'm grateful that she lifts me up and dusts me off when I need it.  I'm grateful that she is such a good listener, and that she loves Jesus and is always as excited to see me as I am to see her.

I am grateful for Rachel - I'm grateful that she pushes to places that I need to go, and I'm grateful that she tells me who I belong to and how much I am worth.  I am grateful to her for showing me what freedom in Christ looks like.

I am grateful for Brian - I am grateful that he has taught me to stand my ground, and to seek the Truth at all times.  I am grateful for his ministry, and the call on his life, and his ability to preach the Gospel - even to me. 

I am grateful for Andrea - I am grateful that she is kind and sweet and loving and pastoral.  I am grateful that she so often confirms my suspicions about what ministry looks like, and I am grateful that she teaches me so much.

I am grateful for Angela - I am grateful for her quirky, honest takes on life, love, and ministry.  I am grateful that she makes me reevaluate my presuppositions, and I am grateful that she makes me laugh and loves so deeply.

I am grateful for Susan - I am grateful she picked me, Angela, Andrea, and Brian.  I pray that, in the end, it may turn out to have been as life-giving of a choice for her as it was for all of us.

I am grateful for Will - I am grateful to him for reminding me that good guys do still exist, and that they love Jesus, and that said love bleeds out into the rest of their lives.  I'm grateful that he has been such a fantastic co-HR, that he humors me and my quirks, and pushes me when I need to be pushed.

I am grateful for Tim - I am grateful to him for teaching me about boundaries, and how hard they are to draw, and how necessary.

I am grateful to Melinda - I am grateful for her honesty.  I am grateful for her laughter, and I am grateful to her for reminding me - the former MA - that MAs still exist.

I am grateful to Susan - I am grateful to her for her faith and for her witness.  I am grateful for her prayers and for her example.  I am grateful for her help with my Prophets paper.

I am grateful to Dr. Jacobson - I am grateful to him for slowly, by example, teaching me what it means to live the life I've been given.

I am grateful to Dr. Koester - I am grateful to him for providing the inspiration for so many sermons I will preach.  I am grateful to him for asking the important questions.

I am grateful to Dr. (?) Fever - I am grateful to him for showing me what responsible, faithful Biblical scholarship looks like.  I am grateful that he provided a setting where I could learn to get along with St. Paul.

I am grateful to Dr. Malcolm - I am grateful that she taught me what it means to be free.  I am grateful that the Holy Spirit works so powerfully through her words.

I am grateful to Dr. Throntveit - I am grateful that he understands what it means to teach the Bible specifically to people who are becoming pastors.  I am grateful for his faith, and for his desire to build up the faith of his students.

I am grateful to Bishop Foss - I am grateful that he is kind and caring and loves Jesus so much.  I am grateful that he has accepted God's call to be exactly where he needs to be.

I am grateful to Mike - I am grateful that he pushed me towards this vocation, even when I didn't really want him to, and even when I thought he was wrong because of so many things I couldn't tell him.

I am grateful to my candidacy committee - I am grateful that even though they are crazy, they made me fight for my voice, and fight for my call.

I am grateful to God - I am grateful that he has stuck by me, his unworthy servant, despite my repeated attempts to not listen, my repeated instances of totally misinterpreting him, and my general failure every day to live as though I actually believe in him.  I am grateful that he still loves me. 

Things About Today

Today was a superly-productive day, and I'm closing it by just feeling generally really good about things.  So, here's a list of what happened today - actually, in the last couple days, I guess...

• Finished and turned in a kick-ass paper on the Holy Spirit.  Well, at least the intro and conclusion were kick-ass.  The middle part might not be so much.  Also, the whole thing was 6400 words.  It's been a long time since I wrote something that long.
• Finished and turned in a final project for my Ministry with the Mentally Ill and Their Families class. 
• Showered. (Trust me: Today, that counts as an accomplishment.)
• Got several emails I'd been meaning to send, sent.
• Organized a whole stack of mail and bills.
• Bought a freaking adorable Creighton t-shirt.
• Bought textbooks for the class I'm picking up the 2nd half of this semester.
• Got something for myself off my Amazon Wishlist, since I was there anyway.  (The Guys and Dolls DVD.  Love, love, love that movie.  What girl wouldn't run off to Cuba with Marlon Brando?)
• Got rejected from St. Louis U.  Well, that's the Jesuits for you, I guess.  Actually, it's ok.  It really wasn't my first choice.  Probably 2nd from the bottom, actually.
• Got a letter from my Compassion daughter.  She's so adorable - I just love little kids!  
• Realized that my insurance was being more reasonable than I first thought about my surgery.  
• Drank a lot of tea. 
• Started my annual ritual application of Jergens Natural Glow (which they have now added SPF to!).
• Created a to-do list for the rest of the week.  
• Had a couple really good conversations with friends.  
• Skipped German class.  (I really had to get those papers done!)
• Cleaned my room
• Made hard-boiled eggs for breakfast
• Remembered how much I like "reading for fun".  

So...that.  Yes.  Yay.