Graduation Day

A friend asked me today on the way to church how I "feel about today."  I told him, "I don't know.  I don't know how I'm supposed to feel."  Which doesn't really matter, I suppose.  I should feel what I feel, not what anybody else tells me I should feel.  But still.

I feel like all my friends are just super-excited - as well they should be.  Graduation is exciting.  It's a good thing.  It's a ritual to mark all that we've done.  But I'm just not super-excited.  I mostly just want it to be over with. 

Part of it, I think, is my introverted hate-being-the-center-of-attention self.  So, at least there will be 174 other people there.  Still and all, that 5-10 seconds of me, by myself, up there.  What if I trip on the steps or miss some kind of cue or walk faster or slower than I'm supposed to or any other number of things that could happen?  The only thing I hate more than having everyone watch me is looking ridiculous while everyone is watching me.

Part of it, I think, is feeling really...separated...from my friends right now.  Like the people I care about most, I'm most distant from, because of all sorts of reasons.  Some of them are in a different class, and they're all off on internship, and I'm sad that we don't get to do this together.  Some of them I've just been less connected with lately - somewhat intentionally on my part, and somewhat intentionally on their part.  

Part of it is, I think, feeling like this thing is ending, but nothing else is really beginning.  I'm more than a month away from the draft, before I know anything else about what is happening.  Just...hanging out.  Going to a couple ordinations this week, and then I'm going home for my sister's wedding.

And that's part of it too.  What's next is that I'm spending three weeks at home getting ready for her wedding.  Which will definitely be long enough.  I'm frustrated because I'm the only person who is taking that much time off from work and - life, really - to be there for this wedding, and no one seems to really appreciate that.  I don't live there anymore, and I don't have friends there, and there's really nothing for me to do except...be in my parents' dealing with wedding stuff.  And every time we talk about the wedding, I feel inadequate.  Like love is the one thing I haven't proven I can be successful at, and what's wrong with me that this is true?  Every time my mom goes on one of her "I can't believe how wonderful Fiancee is" monologues, it leaves me feeling 4 inches tall.  Like if I were only skinnier/prettier/more graceful/more ladylike/more alluring/more perfect/smarter/funnier/ontologically just...better...somehow, someone would want me.  But I'm not, and no one does, and so I'll just have to a) try harder at that particular endeavor, and b) gird my loins, try my hardest, and do all these other things, so that at least I can claim I'm successful at something, even if it is entirely by myself.  And I'm just not looking forward to being confronted with that every moment of every day for three weeks. 

Part of it is, I think, that I'm just not sure why this is that big of a deal.  There was never any doubt in my mind that I would graduate, that I would be able to complete the requirements to obtain this degree.  It's not my dream, it's not my life's goal, it's just...apparently the direction God has led/is leading me, and it's where I am now, so, whatevs.

And I think because I think all of these things - that I don't feel the way I'm supposed to, that I'm disconnected from the people I care most about, that I don't have anything really to look forward to, that I don't think it's a huge deal - makes me feel even more like I just don't really fit in anywhere right now.  Because I don't think anyone else feels that way...which makes it hard to be excited...let the cycle begin again....

Eh.  I'm ready for it to be over, that's how I feel.  Is that terrible?

Revelation 21:4

I am so tired of saying goodbye.  I'm tired of grief and mourning and pain and tears.  I'm tired of everything changing, and everything staying the same.  I'm tired of the voice in my head telling me that Jesus fixes everything, when Jesus is manifestly not fixing everything.  I'm tired of feeling this way.

I want something good to happen.  I can't remember the last time something happened that genuinely made my whole body smile.  I want to feel that again. 

Wow, I sound like a whiny, depressed, pathetic, pitiable little girl.  Great.  Just the image I want to convey.

Relationship-ness

I am tired.  I am really, really tired. 

Part of what's going on, I suppose, is just the general "being a senior" thing.  Every time I've "been a senior" (high school and college), I've clung like crazy to everything and everybody - all the lasts, and the never agains.  All the perfect memories and ridiculous drama.  All the best friends and favorite teachers.  What can I say?  I'm an emotional sucker. 

And I'm there again now.  It's making me crabby - I want to spend every free moment with my friends, experiencing our life together, and alternately, I want to not see them at all, thinking, I think, that I can protect myself from hurting by guarding my heart and my life.

So I think some of my "tiredness" is really my own typical senioritis.  Part of it, also, is not knowing what's next for me.  I don't know if I got into any grad schools.  I have to wait until April to try to get approved, and if that works, then I'll do assignment in the fall.  So there's the knowledge that all of this is ending, but that there's no new beginning to look forward to.  Who knows what will happen?  It could all come together, or I could fall flat on my face. 

Some of it is the spinster factor.  I thought by now I would have my life together - career, husband, kids.  I have none of that.  None.  I hate it, it's scary, it's depressing, and it's embarrassing.  What is wrong with me?  Why can everyone else get it together, except for me?  Why can every other girl find a boy who loves her, except for me?  Why can everyone else be normal, except for me?  

So there's that.  And tied in with that, I think, and a big, big part of it is just being tired of saying goodbye.  I have never lived more than three years in one location.  I have always said that I loved growing up in the Army, and the opportunities it afforded me to see the world, to learn and grow in ways that so many others didn't, to be open to new things and new people, and so on.  But I'm in a place right now where I don't like it.  Where I realize that for the last thirty years, all I've done is say goodbye.  Over, and over, and over again.  I'm tired of the fact that I have no home, that going to my parents' house is like going to a hotel, that I have no childhood friends, that I have no roots. 

I am tired of making friends only to see them (or me) leave.  I'm tired of everyone I love eventually not being around anymore.  I'm tired of having to work so hard to maintain the relationships I care about.  I'm tired of being at least a four-hour drive away from anybody I've known more than four years.  I'm tired of knowing that in 80...79...78...days I'm going to graduate and the same thing will happen that's been happening all my life: all of the people I love and care about will be gone. 

And I hate this because it's keeping me from enjoying the things that are good - the time I do have with everyone.  Because every time I laugh, I think to myself, "I'm never going to get to do this with this person again".  I'm tired of being afraid to be anywhere in public for fear that anything - everything - God only knows what - might cause me to start crying. 

And I'm tired of it not being okay to feel these things.  I'm tired of the voice inside my head that keeps saying, "Come on now, get it together."  I'm tired of feeling so pathetic every time I go through this stuff in my head, and I'm tired of feeling like the only acceptable answer to the question, "How are you?" is "Fine", even though I'm clearly anything but. 

Ugh.  I'm sorry for letting all the not-fine-ness and depression leak out all over the interwebs.  Ah well, it's my blog.  Don't like it?  Don't read it. 

Emotional Crap

I really like my congregations - they are great, full of wonderful people.  The larger of the two is so totally resourceful and has such a good attitude, and the smaller is really good at taking care of each other and doing their own pastoral care. 

The towns are awesome as well.  Just cute little blink-and-you'll-miss-'em towns, "a stop sign on a map dot", filled with a surprising amount of life and energy and goodness.

But, I am lonely.  I have no "friends."  Literally, with the exception of a couple old "Norwegian bachelor farmer" types, everyone in town is married, and almost all are older than I am.  I love being invited over for dinner at people's houses, and chatting about church stuff or even the weather or town festivals or whatever.  But I have no one to crash on the couch and watch movies with, or even to call up and say, "I'm bored, want to drive into town and go see a movie?"  Nobody from school to say, "I was reading this book/Bible passage/blog today, and I don't know what to think."  Not even any other pastors in town to just "talk shop" with.

I want someone to come home to at the end of the day so I can say, "I had a really long day" or a "I had a really great day".  I want to not have to long for the one day a week I'm in the big city so that I have enough cell phone bars to call friends who don't live anywhere near me.  I want someone who will lovingly kick my butt into gear when I'm procrastinating.  I want to have people - just one or two would be great - around me that I feel like I can trust, really trust, with my own stuff, and it won't be repeated.  I want to have somebody to cook with, or lament the fact that there is nowhere to order pizza from. 

Maybe it's that I want to have someone near me where our primary relationship is not that of pastor-parishoner, somebody who I can just be myself with.  Somebody I can say, "I don't know if this is what I want to do for the rest of my life" to.  I've been working on building some other mentoring relationships, in the state and over email, but that's still not the same as a friend.

And to make matters worse, I'm really good at feeling guilty when I feel this way, because "Jesus is your best friend," and "God doesn't give you anything you can't handle" and "He is always right there beside you."  Yeah, I get that.  But this is still hard. 

Sigh...48 weeks to go... 

CPE, Redux

I spent the last few days at a synod leadership conference/retreat, which was, shall I say...well, I don't even have a good word to describe it. 

On the one hand, it was really nice.  I got to meet lots of new people, other pastors in my area, spend some quality time with my supervisor and other interns that I know from school, etc...

But the content of the conference had been billed ahead of time as being about how to connect with people and be a more effective leader in your congregation.  Awesome.  Or, not.  It turned out to be CPE 2.0.  Right down to the words and charts and graphs and the "understanding your feelings" and "developing an awareness of how you impact the system."  It was so fake and so froo-froo that I found it difficult to even listen respectfully.  I just got done with 11 weeks of this, I took the few bits of useful information from it, and I literally just signed off on the final evaluation this afternoon and I freaking want to be done with it.  I spent lots of time texting my CPE colleagues, my pastor at home, and my mom.  I made mental to-do lists.  I drank coffee.  I worked hard at not fidgeting, not biting my nails, not rolling my eyes, etc...

The other reason I struggled was that this was ostensibly a gathering of religious leaders, and the man presenting the material (four 75-90 minute sessions) claimed to be a Lutheran pastor.  And yet, I saw very little indication that he had any more sincere, identifiably orthodox Christian theology than my CPE Supervisor.  (At one point he talked about he and his wife leading pilgrimages to India and Nepal.  I'm unaware of any major Christian sites in India and Nepal that would make them good locations for a pilgrimage.  Maybe I'm missing something, though.)

Anyhow, one of the sessions this morning was focused on understanding the trajectory of group development and cohesion, and how we go from "pseudo-community," where basically everyone pretends to get along and suppresses their true feelings, to "chaos," where there is lots of conflict because everyone is starting to feel free to express how they really feel, to um...something where people start to decide how to get along despite their differences, to "community," where people actually do get along.  One of the pastors in the room mentioned that his congregation seems to be in the "chaos" stage right now, and that part of the problem is that there are people who no longer believe that they can get along.  He has people who have fundamental philosophical/doctrinal differences with the group, and are questioning whether those can - or even should - be overcome for the sake of community building.  This man's question to the presenter was whether it is possible or even desirable that all groups eventually move out of the chaos phase, even if they have to sacrifice doctrine to do so.  The presenter's response was, "Well, it's very sad that they are choosing not to be a part of the community and work through the chaos.  No one should ever have to give up their personal doctrinal commitments, we just have to learn how to live together despite our differences."  The pastor was very frustrated because this didn't answer his question, although, given that the presenter comes heavily endorsed by the ELCA and is headed out to colleges and seminaries in the coming months to ply this information to the unsuspecting young'uns, it should have given him all he needed to know.  (Maybe it did, I don't know, I didn't talk with him after.)

Things I Feel I Feel (aka Putting CPE to Good Use)

I told my mom today that sometimes I feel like I belong to a civic organization like the Kiwanis Club, more than I belong to a church.  She didn't quite know what to do with that, I think.  I'm not sure I do, either.