Wow....
Well thanks to all the friends who have sent me love and hugs in emails, phone calls, text messages, and in person the last few days. Apparently my last post made me sound like I'm about to jump off a cliff. I'm really not.
Looking back over the last few things I've written about my own personal life, I realize that they all seem really dark and depressing. And yes, I've been on a giant emotional roller coaster for much of this year, and especially this semester. But things are actually good, too.
It's so "CPE" to say that I've been doing a lot of "hard emotional work", but the truth is, I have. This semester I'm taking a class on the Holy Spirit, which I think is going to qualify as the best class I have taken in seminary. Over and above Genesis to Revelation, and Gospel and Epistles of John. And they were awesome.
But one of the primary themes of this Holy Spirit class is just how freeing the Holy Spirit is. For better or worse, I'm one of the good girls, and I can recite "live not by the letter but by the Spirit" and "for freedom Christ has set you free" and "you have been saved by grace through faith, and this is not your own doing" backwards and forwards blah blah blah. But apparently I forgot that it applies to me. I am realizing just how much I have let "the flesh" - the things of this world - determine who I am and what I want and what I need and what I "should" be doing, rather than living in the freedom of the Holy Spirit.
So I think part of my darkness and depression probably stems from remorse over that, and processing how to fix it now that I know it's a problem. It's sort of like doing a deep-clean on a closet, or something: it might actually get worse before it gets better, even though you're on the right track. And honestly, even as I write this, and try to live into that freedom that I have in Christ to be who I am, I can almost feel the spiritual warfare going on inside my brain. The collision of the old age and new age, duking it out for my concentration and allegiance. But no more!
The ruler of this world can take a hike!
(But I might need my friends to remind of this from time to time...)
Showing posts with label CPE. Show all posts
Showing posts with label CPE. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Sunday, March 11, 2012
The Smart One
ATTENTION: CPE-ish post ahead...need to do some self-clarification, or whatever it's called...
Every once in a while, I get tired of being "the smart one."
I am smart, and I know that. My intelligence and ability to think and learn and understand and make connections are gifts from God, for which I am so grateful.
But for so much of my life, I've been labelled "the smart one." Whatever else I think I lack - beauty, popularity, musical ability, a leg, whatever - has been countered with, "oh, but you're so smart."
But the thing of it is, there's so much more to me than the fact that I'm smart. I like baseball and college basketball and football. I like music and movies. I'd like to learn how to sing. I like stargazing on a crisp, clear night. I like cooking and baking and playing board games. I'd like to be more of a wine connoisseur - I already am a pretty decent coffee connoisseur.
And I feel like people don't know that about me. I feel like my whole life, I've been pigeonholed as "the smart one" to such a degree that nobody knows anything else about me, except that I'm smart. I feel like people think about me when they need help with their homework or understanding tough theology, or translating German, but not when they need somebody to watch a movie or take a walk or play cards or cook dinner with. I'm not the one whose hand you want to hold or who you just want to sit back with and drink a beer and talk about your day. But...I want to be.
And I don't know how to communicate all this. Because people who already know me, already have this image of me. It's hard to be friends with people when you know that you're the "smart friend" but not the "fun friend." It's hard to be part of a family that doesn't ever ask if I want to toss the ball around outside. It's hard to admit that, even to people I care about and who (presumably) care about me, I am an unknown. It's hard to be a one-trick pony.
And I don't know if it's my fault - have I just not told people who I am? Have I just found it easier to get all introverted-up and be "the smart one" instead of trusting people with my whole self? Have I let other people set expectations for me, and I just lived into those expectations that were all about everybody else?
How am I thirty years old, and just now figuring all this stuff out? (And without the benefit of therapy - I'm doing this all on my own!) All this self-assessment stuff is really hard work, and while it's good to come to the conclusions about myself, it's even harder to know what to do with it all.
Eh.
Every once in a while, I get tired of being "the smart one."
I am smart, and I know that. My intelligence and ability to think and learn and understand and make connections are gifts from God, for which I am so grateful.
But for so much of my life, I've been labelled "the smart one." Whatever else I think I lack - beauty, popularity, musical ability, a leg, whatever - has been countered with, "oh, but you're so smart."
But the thing of it is, there's so much more to me than the fact that I'm smart. I like baseball and college basketball and football. I like music and movies. I'd like to learn how to sing. I like stargazing on a crisp, clear night. I like cooking and baking and playing board games. I'd like to be more of a wine connoisseur - I already am a pretty decent coffee connoisseur.
And I feel like people don't know that about me. I feel like my whole life, I've been pigeonholed as "the smart one" to such a degree that nobody knows anything else about me, except that I'm smart. I feel like people think about me when they need help with their homework or understanding tough theology, or translating German, but not when they need somebody to watch a movie or take a walk or play cards or cook dinner with. I'm not the one whose hand you want to hold or who you just want to sit back with and drink a beer and talk about your day. But...I want to be.
And I don't know how to communicate all this. Because people who already know me, already have this image of me. It's hard to be friends with people when you know that you're the "smart friend" but not the "fun friend." It's hard to be part of a family that doesn't ever ask if I want to toss the ball around outside. It's hard to admit that, even to people I care about and who (presumably) care about me, I am an unknown. It's hard to be a one-trick pony.
And I don't know if it's my fault - have I just not told people who I am? Have I just found it easier to get all introverted-up and be "the smart one" instead of trusting people with my whole self? Have I let other people set expectations for me, and I just lived into those expectations that were all about everybody else?
How am I thirty years old, and just now figuring all this stuff out? (And without the benefit of therapy - I'm doing this all on my own!) All this self-assessment stuff is really hard work, and while it's good to come to the conclusions about myself, it's even harder to know what to do with it all.
Eh.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Tales of a Country Parson, Vol. V
So, last week was a busy week. I preached (as usual) on Sunday, and then had a short afternoon off before dinner with the council members of the smaller of my two congregations. It was a marvelous dinner, but still was something on the "to-do" list.
Then Monday I had to head into the "big city" for staff meetings, internship supervision, etc... I like going to the city, (Starbucks, Walmart, and Target, the greatest sirens in my life) but I had to hurry back home because there was a visitation and prayer service (kind of a forum for eulogies, held in conjunction with many funerals in this part of the country) for a man at my church who had died. I didn't really have to "run" any of it, as the deceased had a relative who is a pastor in a nearby town who had been pressed into service, but I still needed to go, and I'm glad I did.
Tuesday was the funeral, and I spent most of the day in my office/the church being hospitable to all the assorted funeral people running around - funeral committee ladies, funeral home staff, etc...
Wednesday I went to the local nursing home to learn about leading worship there, as I apparently now have a rotating responsbility for leading it, and while I was at the nursing home, the funeral home director called to tell me that one of my parishoners had died, in the nursing home, the night before, and that we needed to get going on funeral arrangements. So Wednesday afternoon/evening was spent consulting with my supervisor and trying to get a hold of the family, which ended up being kind of a weird thing. I guess people get strange around death, and everyone reacts differently, but still, it was odd.
Then Monday I had to head into the "big city" for staff meetings, internship supervision, etc... I like going to the city, (Starbucks, Walmart, and Target, the greatest sirens in my life) but I had to hurry back home because there was a visitation and prayer service (kind of a forum for eulogies, held in conjunction with many funerals in this part of the country) for a man at my church who had died. I didn't really have to "run" any of it, as the deceased had a relative who is a pastor in a nearby town who had been pressed into service, but I still needed to go, and I'm glad I did.
Tuesday was the funeral, and I spent most of the day in my office/the church being hospitable to all the assorted funeral people running around - funeral committee ladies, funeral home staff, etc...
Wednesday I went to the local nursing home to learn about leading worship there, as I apparently now have a rotating responsbility for leading it, and while I was at the nursing home, the funeral home director called to tell me that one of my parishoners had died, in the nursing home, the night before, and that we needed to get going on funeral arrangements. So Wednesday afternoon/evening was spent consulting with my supervisor and trying to get a hold of the family, which ended up being kind of a weird thing. I guess people get strange around death, and everyone reacts differently, but still, it was odd.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
CPE, Redux
I spent the last few days at a synod leadership conference/retreat, which was, shall I say...well, I don't even have a good word to describe it.
On the one hand, it was really nice. I got to meet lots of new people, other pastors in my area, spend some quality time with my supervisor and other interns that I know from school, etc...
But the content of the conference had been billed ahead of time as being about how to connect with people and be a more effective leader in your congregation. Awesome. Or, not. It turned out to be CPE 2.0. Right down to the words and charts and graphs and the "understanding your feelings" and "developing an awareness of how you impact the system." It was so fake and so froo-froo that I found it difficult to even listen respectfully. I just got done with 11 weeks of this, I took the few bits of useful information from it, and I literally just signed off on the final evaluation this afternoon and I freaking want to be done with it. I spent lots of time texting my CPE colleagues, my pastor at home, and my mom. I made mental to-do lists. I drank coffee. I worked hard at not fidgeting, not biting my nails, not rolling my eyes, etc...
The other reason I struggled was that this was ostensibly a gathering of religious leaders, and the man presenting the material (four 75-90 minute sessions) claimed to be a Lutheran pastor. And yet, I saw very little indication that he had any more sincere, identifiably orthodox Christian theology than my CPE Supervisor. (At one point he talked about he and his wife leading pilgrimages to India and Nepal. I'm unaware of any major Christian sites in India and Nepal that would make them good locations for a pilgrimage. Maybe I'm missing something, though.)
Anyhow, one of the sessions this morning was focused on understanding the trajectory of group development and cohesion, and how we go from "pseudo-community," where basically everyone pretends to get along and suppresses their true feelings, to "chaos," where there is lots of conflict because everyone is starting to feel free to express how they really feel, to um...something where people start to decide how to get along despite their differences, to "community," where people actually do get along. One of the pastors in the room mentioned that his congregation seems to be in the "chaos" stage right now, and that part of the problem is that there are people who no longer believe that they can get along. He has people who have fundamental philosophical/doctrinal differences with the group, and are questioning whether those can - or even should - be overcome for the sake of community building. This man's question to the presenter was whether it is possible or even desirable that all groups eventually move out of the chaos phase, even if they have to sacrifice doctrine to do so. The presenter's response was, "Well, it's very sad that they are choosing not to be a part of the community and work through the chaos. No one should ever have to give up their personal doctrinal commitments, we just have to learn how to live together despite our differences." The pastor was very frustrated because this didn't answer his question, although, given that the presenter comes heavily endorsed by the ELCA and is headed out to colleges and seminaries in the coming months to ply this information to the unsuspecting young'uns, it should have given him all he needed to know. (Maybe it did, I don't know, I didn't talk with him after.)
On the one hand, it was really nice. I got to meet lots of new people, other pastors in my area, spend some quality time with my supervisor and other interns that I know from school, etc...
But the content of the conference had been billed ahead of time as being about how to connect with people and be a more effective leader in your congregation. Awesome. Or, not. It turned out to be CPE 2.0. Right down to the words and charts and graphs and the "understanding your feelings" and "developing an awareness of how you impact the system." It was so fake and so froo-froo that I found it difficult to even listen respectfully. I just got done with 11 weeks of this, I took the few bits of useful information from it, and I literally just signed off on the final evaluation this afternoon and I freaking want to be done with it. I spent lots of time texting my CPE colleagues, my pastor at home, and my mom. I made mental to-do lists. I drank coffee. I worked hard at not fidgeting, not biting my nails, not rolling my eyes, etc...
The other reason I struggled was that this was ostensibly a gathering of religious leaders, and the man presenting the material (four 75-90 minute sessions) claimed to be a Lutheran pastor. And yet, I saw very little indication that he had any more sincere, identifiably orthodox Christian theology than my CPE Supervisor. (At one point he talked about he and his wife leading pilgrimages to India and Nepal. I'm unaware of any major Christian sites in India and Nepal that would make them good locations for a pilgrimage. Maybe I'm missing something, though.)
Anyhow, one of the sessions this morning was focused on understanding the trajectory of group development and cohesion, and how we go from "pseudo-community," where basically everyone pretends to get along and suppresses their true feelings, to "chaos," where there is lots of conflict because everyone is starting to feel free to express how they really feel, to um...something where people start to decide how to get along despite their differences, to "community," where people actually do get along. One of the pastors in the room mentioned that his congregation seems to be in the "chaos" stage right now, and that part of the problem is that there are people who no longer believe that they can get along. He has people who have fundamental philosophical/doctrinal differences with the group, and are questioning whether those can - or even should - be overcome for the sake of community building. This man's question to the presenter was whether it is possible or even desirable that all groups eventually move out of the chaos phase, even if they have to sacrifice doctrine to do so. The presenter's response was, "Well, it's very sad that they are choosing not to be a part of the community and work through the chaos. No one should ever have to give up their personal doctrinal commitments, we just have to learn how to live together despite our differences." The pastor was very frustrated because this didn't answer his question, although, given that the presenter comes heavily endorsed by the ELCA and is headed out to colleges and seminaries in the coming months to ply this information to the unsuspecting young'uns, it should have given him all he needed to know. (Maybe it did, I don't know, I didn't talk with him after.)