Although the road trip brought back lots of memories, and made me realize a lot of things about myself, it also encouraged me to, how do I put this?, move forward. I realized that while I'd been nurturing my dreams, I'd been doing so rather passively, and kind of living in the past. Not totally, but living in a past rendition of those dreams. Enough of the "variables" in those dreams are changing now, that in some ways, the dreams have to change and grow and develop. Not that they are "wrong" at their core, but just that...well, I'm not the same person I was when I graduated from college.
In line with my New Year's Resolution to "do things", I'm taking more responsibility for making those dreams come true, instead of just expecting them to happen to me. I'm working on becoming "me", and learning to feel good about that. Not in a self-centered, the-world-revolves-around-me, don't-feel-any-responsibility-for-my-fellow-man kind of way. Just in a healthy, self-confident, God made me and delights in me and so I should delight in me, kind of way.
This is going to sound really strange, but I have this tshirt that I've had since college. I've worn it to bed (only) in kind of an on-again, off-again sort of way. Different periods of my life since college, you know. It's a comforting shirt, because it's nostalgic. But it carries with it a lot of emotional and political baggage, and even a little heartbreak. I've kept it in circulation out of a sense of...missing the past, dreaming that I could undo or redo certain parts of my life, a kind of safety in knowing who I am and what my life is. But somewhere along the way, I changed. Not entirely - my heart and my dreams and my desires are still the same. But I've moved on into new things, a new person, a new life. And so the tshirt is going in the box every girl has of tshirts and greeting cards and pictures that will always make me smile, but that aren't a part of my life anymore.
In its place is going the tshirt I got from doing the 5K. It's a very tangible way of reminding myself that I'm moving forward and reaching for new dreams, that I'm going to be confident in myself and who I am and what I can do. It's a little sad, but it's good. It's all good.
Showing posts with label dreams. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dreams. Show all posts
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Just Another Word For Nothing Left To Lose...
♪ I's feelin' near as faded as my jeans... ♫
Another good song...mmm...
Or, probably better, John 8:36: "He whom the Son sets free, is free indeed."
I've been feeling particularly...free...the last few days, and it's all good. Awesome-huge-o-Church-at-Home has been preaching on dreams and passions, and what we've been "made for." They keep asking the question, "What is your dream? What are you passionate about?" And for a while, I've been having to answer, "I don't know. I don't have any dreams. I'm not passionate about anything. I'm fine. With whatever."
But I didn't really like that feeling (I was feeling a little left-out, what with all my friends at home getting to have all these big dreams and I'm stuck out here on the prairie feeling...fine), so I started praying about it. God, give me a dream. God, show me something I'm passionate about.
Why am I always so surprised when God comes through for me? His mercies are new every morning, indeed. I mean, you'd think over time I'd start to remember and trust that He's got my back. Or maybe that "forgetfulness" increases the joy level, and keeps me from demanding God's action, keeps the relationship loving rather than contractual. I don't know.
Anyway...the point is...last week was the first week of our midweek worship services at this little country church. It's flippin' amazing that a church this size manages to pull off midweek worship year 'round (not just Advent and Lent), and I ♥ it. There's a little bit of contemporary worship music (guitar and piano type stuff, with some of the younger members of the congregation leading), then I get to teach for a few minutes (10-ish), adults break into groups and discuss while the kids mostly just run around and have fun, and then we close with more music. It's fabulous. And so last week, as I was there watching the adults have some great discussions with each other - spouses, friends, relatives - and even engage the kids some, I was just loving it. It was incredible watching them learn and grow and think and ponder.
Another good song...mmm...
Or, probably better, John 8:36: "He whom the Son sets free, is free indeed."
I've been feeling particularly...free...the last few days, and it's all good. Awesome-huge-o-Church-at-Home has been preaching on dreams and passions, and what we've been "made for." They keep asking the question, "What is your dream? What are you passionate about?" And for a while, I've been having to answer, "I don't know. I don't have any dreams. I'm not passionate about anything. I'm fine. With whatever."
But I didn't really like that feeling (I was feeling a little left-out, what with all my friends at home getting to have all these big dreams and I'm stuck out here on the prairie feeling...fine), so I started praying about it. God, give me a dream. God, show me something I'm passionate about.
Why am I always so surprised when God comes through for me? His mercies are new every morning, indeed. I mean, you'd think over time I'd start to remember and trust that He's got my back. Or maybe that "forgetfulness" increases the joy level, and keeps me from demanding God's action, keeps the relationship loving rather than contractual. I don't know.
Anyway...the point is...last week was the first week of our midweek worship services at this little country church. It's flippin' amazing that a church this size manages to pull off midweek worship year 'round (not just Advent and Lent), and I ♥ it. There's a little bit of contemporary worship music (guitar and piano type stuff, with some of the younger members of the congregation leading), then I get to teach for a few minutes (10-ish), adults break into groups and discuss while the kids mostly just run around and have fun, and then we close with more music. It's fabulous. And so last week, as I was there watching the adults have some great discussions with each other - spouses, friends, relatives - and even engage the kids some, I was just loving it. It was incredible watching them learn and grow and think and ponder.