Drained

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."   ~Matthew 11:28-29

Man, I am just sapped of energy lately.  As I look back over the last several weeks and months, it occurs to me that pretty much since the middle of December, it's just been one gigantic emotional thing after another - whether in my life, or the life of somebody I care about. 

Mid-December - not getting approved, because "I don't know how to articulate the gospel."  Geez, if that doesn't drive a knife right through your heart, I don't know what will.

Late-December - Christmas + New Year's, overall good, but reminding me how separated I feel from my family.

Early-January - Cross-Cultural in SW Minnesota - same thing with the family - wishing I lived closer to them and was more a part of their lives

Mid-January - sister gets engaged - I'm really happy for her, but so, so, so, so, sad that I'm not really there to be part of it.  Also suppressing an acute case of Leah Syndrome.

Late-January - surgery.  Grades from classes at SPS come in.  Comment on my paper: "____ is a huge problem with Luther's position, you should have mentioned it."  I'm sorry, I'm trying, I really am.  But I'm Lutheran, and I don't believe it to be a huge problem with Luther's position, and so I'm not going to say that it is and pretend that I believe something I don't.  Do I get any credit with the prof (or God) for sitting in that class all semester and trying to get there?

Early-February - weird friend things start happening - basically, I miss them all

Mid-February - realize that all of this is creating a giant emotional roller coaster, Lent starts (which terrifies me), all my friends go through assignment, realize that all of my friends will be gone next year, and I will have to start over from scratch, again

Late-February - get rejected by Duke - didn't really expect to get in, but still, it stings

Early-March - find out how bad the cancer is that my uncle's fighting.  Still trying to figure out how to repair my relationship with him.  All of my friends have major emotional junk they are trying to sort through; I hurt because they're hurting.

Mid-March - friend's mom passes away - never met her, but the friend is someone I care about deeply.  Her death was pretty much expected for some time, but I took it harder than I thought I would, partly, I guess, because of how much I know my friend must be hurting, and that makes me sad.

Late-March - I guess that's where we are - get rejected from Marquette.  This one hurts.  A lot.  A lot lot lot.  For some reason, I just thought Marquette was it.  I get along well with the Jesuits, I like the challenge of ecumenical playgrounds, and it seemed like Marquette just suited me - everything about their program.  That letter of intent was the easiest to write, because I didn't feel like I was begging them to take me, I just felt like I was honestly explaining why we "belong together."  I thought it was perfect.  And it's not, and it sucks. 

Of course, there have been good things too.  New friends made, and old friendships revived.  Relationships strengthened by working through tough times, a good "spring break weekend" with the fam, getting accepted by TST (albeit w/ no money), writing an amazing Holy Spirit paper (for an amazing Holy Spirit class), laughing at hideously inappropriate things, gentle spring rains, a fun New Year's, a fantastic Ash Wednesday (that, strangely enough, had the effect of taking away all my fear of Lent), getting a great MOH dress, friends visiting me here, super supportive profs and supervisors, fun times (what?) on Cross-Cultural, and more. 

But it just feels like the last few months I've really been through the wringer, and every time I manage to pick myself back up again, something else comes along - whether it's specifically about me, or having to do with people I really care about.  It's leaving me absolutely exhausted, and I just need a place and time to rest, really rest.  I want a full night's sleep, for once.  I want to not hurt, and I want everybody I care about to not hurt.  I want somebody to rub my back and hold my hand and tell me that I don't have to do it all on my own.  I want to know what's going to happen to me six months from now - hell, six days from now.  I want it to be Easter so I can drink coffee again.  I want something to happen that will inject some energy into me, instead of constantly draining it from me. 

Geez.  I'm such a writer.  Even just writing all this makes me feel (a little) better.

Relationship-ness

I am tired.  I am really, really tired. 

Part of what's going on, I suppose, is just the general "being a senior" thing.  Every time I've "been a senior" (high school and college), I've clung like crazy to everything and everybody - all the lasts, and the never agains.  All the perfect memories and ridiculous drama.  All the best friends and favorite teachers.  What can I say?  I'm an emotional sucker. 

And I'm there again now.  It's making me crabby - I want to spend every free moment with my friends, experiencing our life together, and alternately, I want to not see them at all, thinking, I think, that I can protect myself from hurting by guarding my heart and my life.

So I think some of my "tiredness" is really my own typical senioritis.  Part of it, also, is not knowing what's next for me.  I don't know if I got into any grad schools.  I have to wait until April to try to get approved, and if that works, then I'll do assignment in the fall.  So there's the knowledge that all of this is ending, but that there's no new beginning to look forward to.  Who knows what will happen?  It could all come together, or I could fall flat on my face. 

Some of it is the spinster factor.  I thought by now I would have my life together - career, husband, kids.  I have none of that.  None.  I hate it, it's scary, it's depressing, and it's embarrassing.  What is wrong with me?  Why can everyone else get it together, except for me?  Why can every other girl find a boy who loves her, except for me?  Why can everyone else be normal, except for me?  

So there's that.  And tied in with that, I think, and a big, big part of it is just being tired of saying goodbye.  I have never lived more than three years in one location.  I have always said that I loved growing up in the Army, and the opportunities it afforded me to see the world, to learn and grow in ways that so many others didn't, to be open to new things and new people, and so on.  But I'm in a place right now where I don't like it.  Where I realize that for the last thirty years, all I've done is say goodbye.  Over, and over, and over again.  I'm tired of the fact that I have no home, that going to my parents' house is like going to a hotel, that I have no childhood friends, that I have no roots. 

I am tired of making friends only to see them (or me) leave.  I'm tired of everyone I love eventually not being around anymore.  I'm tired of having to work so hard to maintain the relationships I care about.  I'm tired of being at least a four-hour drive away from anybody I've known more than four years.  I'm tired of knowing that in 80...79...78...days I'm going to graduate and the same thing will happen that's been happening all my life: all of the people I love and care about will be gone. 

And I hate this because it's keeping me from enjoying the things that are good - the time I do have with everyone.  Because every time I laugh, I think to myself, "I'm never going to get to do this with this person again".  I'm tired of being afraid to be anywhere in public for fear that anything - everything - God only knows what - might cause me to start crying. 

And I'm tired of it not being okay to feel these things.  I'm tired of the voice inside my head that keeps saying, "Come on now, get it together."  I'm tired of feeling so pathetic every time I go through this stuff in my head, and I'm tired of feeling like the only acceptable answer to the question, "How are you?" is "Fine", even though I'm clearly anything but. 

Ugh.  I'm sorry for letting all the not-fine-ness and depression leak out all over the interwebs.  Ah well, it's my blog.  Don't like it?  Don't read it. 

Oh Goody.

White House: Terrorists Have Discussed Use of Prosthetics to Conceal Explosives

I can't wait for the opportunity to show off my flawed body to the general public.