So graduation turned out to be pretty okay. I was sitting (mostly) by friends, and it turns out that we're all friends on a day like Graduation Day, so, yeah...
The service was...eh...mostly good. Between Baccalaureate and Graduation, they managed to put together some decent worship. My fam was around, so I had dinner with them afterward, and then got up the next morning to open at work.
Excellent.
Now I've just got a couple days left until I head home for my sister's wedding. Eh. I feel like every support system I have is systematically being stripped away. In a way I suppose this is good, because it's forcing me to rely on God in ways that I don't know that I've had to before. People who were my close friends are just sort of...not...anymore. The friends I have that I'm still close to are so far away, and it sucks not having them around to be with. By the time I get back from the wedding, another of my friends here on campus will have left to start her new job. I'm really happy for her - I'm just going to miss her.
And I think that's part of my struggle with going home for this wedding. I say "going home" because that's where my parents are, but really, Kansas isn't home for me. I lived there the last three years of high school. I haven't been there longer than 2 or 3 weeks since I was a college sophomore. The people that I'm friends with from high school no longer live there, and the high school classmates that still live there I'm no longer friends with. I'm headed to my parents' house where they are basically the only people I know or care about, to be drowned in the fact that everyone else but me has the one thing I really want.
I suppose that's covetous or jealous on my part, and I wish it wasn't. Because I'm trying really hard not to be jealous or bitter, it just hurts so much. It's like being the last puppy at the pound, or kid at the orphanage. Everyone else gets picked except you, and not only do you know it's happening, you're actually having to watch it, and what you want more than anything is someone to pick you. Should I be joyful and content nevertheless? Probably - I have the "one thing needful", after all. But what do you do when your heart is so broken it can't break anymore? How do you be joyful and content then?
I was deep into Psalm 51 last night, because I just have a bad attitude and a bad heart about so many things right now. Sin, death, and the power of the devil are just so oppressive. So often when we talk about freeing the victims of oppression, we mean the ones who are being sinned against by other people. But what we often don't talk about is that those who are doing the sinning - to be trapped in jealousy and covetousness is every bit as oppressive - it's just that you're being oppressed by the devil himself, rather than somebody else. And that's almost worse. Maybe.
It's days like this that I wish (modern) Lutherans hadn't ditched the tradition of private confession and absolution.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Graduation Day
A friend asked me today on the way to church how I "feel about today." I told him, "I don't know. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel." Which doesn't really matter, I suppose. I should feel what I feel, not what anybody else tells me I should feel. But still.
I feel like all my friends are just super-excited - as well they should be. Graduation is exciting. It's a good thing. It's a ritual to mark all that we've done. But I'm just not super-excited. I mostly just want it to be over with.
Part of it, I think, is my introverted hate-being-the-center-of-attention self. So, at least there will be 174 other people there. Still and all, that 5-10 seconds of me, by myself, up there. What if I trip on the steps or miss some kind of cue or walk faster or slower than I'm supposed to or any other number of things that could happen? The only thing I hate more than having everyone watch me is looking ridiculous while everyone is watching me.
Part of it, I think, is feeling really...separated...from my friends right now. Like the people I care about most, I'm most distant from, because of all sorts of reasons. Some of them are in a different class, and they're all off on internship, and I'm sad that we don't get to do this together. Some of them I've just been less connected with lately - somewhat intentionally on my part, and somewhat intentionally on their part.
Part of it is, I think, feeling like this thing is ending, but nothing else is really beginning. I'm more than a month away from the draft, before I know anything else about what is happening. Just...hanging out. Going to a couple ordinations this week, and then I'm going home for my sister's wedding.
And that's part of it too. What's next is that I'm spending three weeks at home getting ready for her wedding. Which will definitely be long enough. I'm frustrated because I'm the only person who is taking that much time off from work and - life, really - to be there for this wedding, and no one seems to really appreciate that. I don't live there anymore, and I don't have friends there, and there's really nothing for me to do except...be in my parents' dealing with wedding stuff. And every time we talk about the wedding, I feel inadequate. Like love is the one thing I haven't proven I can be successful at, and what's wrong with me that this is true? Every time my mom goes on one of her "I can't believe how wonderful Fiancee is" monologues, it leaves me feeling 4 inches tall. Like if I were only skinnier/prettier/more graceful/more ladylike/more alluring/more perfect/smarter/funnier/ontologically just...better...somehow, someone would want me. But I'm not, and no one does, and so I'll just have to a) try harder at that particular endeavor, and b) gird my loins, try my hardest, and do all these other things, so that at least I can claim I'm successful at something, even if it is entirely by myself. And I'm just not looking forward to being confronted with that every moment of every day for three weeks.
Part of it is, I think, that I'm just not sure why this is that big of a deal. There was never any doubt in my mind that I would graduate, that I would be able to complete the requirements to obtain this degree. It's not my dream, it's not my life's goal, it's just...apparently the direction God has led/is leading me, and it's where I am now, so, whatevs.
And I think because I think all of these things - that I don't feel the way I'm supposed to, that I'm disconnected from the people I care most about, that I don't have anything really to look forward to, that I don't think it's a huge deal - makes me feel even more like I just don't really fit in anywhere right now. Because I don't think anyone else feels that way...which makes it hard to be excited...let the cycle begin again....
Eh. I'm ready for it to be over, that's how I feel. Is that terrible?
I feel like all my friends are just super-excited - as well they should be. Graduation is exciting. It's a good thing. It's a ritual to mark all that we've done. But I'm just not super-excited. I mostly just want it to be over with.
Part of it, I think, is my introverted hate-being-the-center-of-attention self. So, at least there will be 174 other people there. Still and all, that 5-10 seconds of me, by myself, up there. What if I trip on the steps or miss some kind of cue or walk faster or slower than I'm supposed to or any other number of things that could happen? The only thing I hate more than having everyone watch me is looking ridiculous while everyone is watching me.
Part of it, I think, is feeling really...separated...from my friends right now. Like the people I care about most, I'm most distant from, because of all sorts of reasons. Some of them are in a different class, and they're all off on internship, and I'm sad that we don't get to do this together. Some of them I've just been less connected with lately - somewhat intentionally on my part, and somewhat intentionally on their part.
Part of it is, I think, feeling like this thing is ending, but nothing else is really beginning. I'm more than a month away from the draft, before I know anything else about what is happening. Just...hanging out. Going to a couple ordinations this week, and then I'm going home for my sister's wedding.
And that's part of it too. What's next is that I'm spending three weeks at home getting ready for her wedding. Which will definitely be long enough. I'm frustrated because I'm the only person who is taking that much time off from work and - life, really - to be there for this wedding, and no one seems to really appreciate that. I don't live there anymore, and I don't have friends there, and there's really nothing for me to do except...be in my parents' dealing with wedding stuff. And every time we talk about the wedding, I feel inadequate. Like love is the one thing I haven't proven I can be successful at, and what's wrong with me that this is true? Every time my mom goes on one of her "I can't believe how wonderful Fiancee is" monologues, it leaves me feeling 4 inches tall. Like if I were only skinnier/prettier/more graceful/more ladylike/more alluring/more perfect/smarter/funnier/ontologically just...better...somehow, someone would want me. But I'm not, and no one does, and so I'll just have to a) try harder at that particular endeavor, and b) gird my loins, try my hardest, and do all these other things, so that at least I can claim I'm successful at something, even if it is entirely by myself. And I'm just not looking forward to being confronted with that every moment of every day for three weeks.
Part of it is, I think, that I'm just not sure why this is that big of a deal. There was never any doubt in my mind that I would graduate, that I would be able to complete the requirements to obtain this degree. It's not my dream, it's not my life's goal, it's just...apparently the direction God has led/is leading me, and it's where I am now, so, whatevs.
And I think because I think all of these things - that I don't feel the way I'm supposed to, that I'm disconnected from the people I care most about, that I don't have anything really to look forward to, that I don't think it's a huge deal - makes me feel even more like I just don't really fit in anywhere right now. Because I don't think anyone else feels that way...which makes it hard to be excited...let the cycle begin again....
Eh. I'm ready for it to be over, that's how I feel. Is that terrible?
Thursday, May 17, 2012
"Vocational Discernment"
So, if you know me at all, you know that I've done a lot of work on so-called "vocational discernment" in the last couple of years. Very few of you know the extent of it - the nights of tears shed and fears faced, days of believing the white devil and trusting my own reason over God's grace, listening to the lies in my head and rejecting the truth that anyone else told me. Praying and worshiping and reading and writing and very seriously trying to wrap my head around "what God wants me to do" vs. (?) "what I want to do" vs. (?) "what the world wants me to do". I worked so hard at "giving it all to God" and discerning Truth and almost literally "taking up my cross and following him". And I think I would say that it's been good for me, on the whole, even if it hasn't always been particularly healthy.
Nevertheless...
By the time I came back from internship - and even probably half-way through first semester - my prayers were just begging God for clarity. I was really messed-up inside and not even really seeing through the glass dimly, more like staring at a ceramic coffee mug. On the other hand, I was almost afraid to pray for that clarity, because of what I thought He was going to say. (See? I told you I was screwed up...still am, a little bit...)
And so I came back for my senior year prepared to apply for PhD programs - I honestly thought that's what God wanted me to do. Ok, that's a lie. If I had had the ability to be honest with myself at the time, I probably would have noticed that the PhD thing felt forced. I mean, sure, I'd love to teach at the undergrad level - it was so important to my own faith formation, and I'd like to do that for other kids. And maybe that's in my future at some point. But in my most honest moments, I can recognize that it was this: I'm the smart one, that's what I have going for me, and I'm a good person who always works as hard as possible - I must get this doctoral degree to prove that I'm not a slacker and living up to who I'm supposed to be. Yeah. Screwed. Up.
Lois Malcolm's Holy Spirit class was fantastic for this - the Holy Spirit - through her teaching - has done such a good job of freeing me from this identity that has been imposed on me - it's the narrative that has always been told to me about me, and I haven't known how to step out of it, or away from it, or...just not make it my primary identity. So I'm working on that. And it's getting better. Slowly.
And then I preached in chapel a couple weeks ago. As I mentioned, it felt so, so good. It was fun and joyful, I felt alive. I felt like, "there is something to be said here, and apparently I'm the one who's going to say it, so, here we go". I had a lot of good feedback from students and faculty afterwards, and it felt really good - although it's so not about me, it was totally a God thing. I know that a couple people watched it online, and that was nice - to feel like people were interested enough to watch.
But on Monday I got a package from a friend who had clearly watched the online broadcast - but who didn't tell me she had done so. She wrote me a lovely card, and then she made me art that draws out the main themes of my sermon, cites a myriad of excellent Scripture passages, and has my name and date on the back. I opened it in the presence of several friends, and in the midst of a lot of stress, so I didn't have time to really absorb it. But when I went back to it that night, it brought me to tears. I really put my heart into that sermon, and I hope that God was able to speak through it. It felt so right, and so me. And this beautiful art says, "That was authentically you, Katie. This gift for you is for you. The person who you are."
Thank you for seeing that, Mary. Thank you for seeing me.
Nevertheless...
By the time I came back from internship - and even probably half-way through first semester - my prayers were just begging God for clarity. I was really messed-up inside and not even really seeing through the glass dimly, more like staring at a ceramic coffee mug. On the other hand, I was almost afraid to pray for that clarity, because of what I thought He was going to say. (See? I told you I was screwed up...still am, a little bit...)
And so I came back for my senior year prepared to apply for PhD programs - I honestly thought that's what God wanted me to do. Ok, that's a lie. If I had had the ability to be honest with myself at the time, I probably would have noticed that the PhD thing felt forced. I mean, sure, I'd love to teach at the undergrad level - it was so important to my own faith formation, and I'd like to do that for other kids. And maybe that's in my future at some point. But in my most honest moments, I can recognize that it was this: I'm the smart one, that's what I have going for me, and I'm a good person who always works as hard as possible - I must get this doctoral degree to prove that I'm not a slacker and living up to who I'm supposed to be. Yeah. Screwed. Up.
Lois Malcolm's Holy Spirit class was fantastic for this - the Holy Spirit - through her teaching - has done such a good job of freeing me from this identity that has been imposed on me - it's the narrative that has always been told to me about me, and I haven't known how to step out of it, or away from it, or...just not make it my primary identity. So I'm working on that. And it's getting better. Slowly.
And then I preached in chapel a couple weeks ago. As I mentioned, it felt so, so good. It was fun and joyful, I felt alive. I felt like, "there is something to be said here, and apparently I'm the one who's going to say it, so, here we go". I had a lot of good feedback from students and faculty afterwards, and it felt really good - although it's so not about me, it was totally a God thing. I know that a couple people watched it online, and that was nice - to feel like people were interested enough to watch.
But on Monday I got a package from a friend who had clearly watched the online broadcast - but who didn't tell me she had done so. She wrote me a lovely card, and then she made me art that draws out the main themes of my sermon, cites a myriad of excellent Scripture passages, and has my name and date on the back. I opened it in the presence of several friends, and in the midst of a lot of stress, so I didn't have time to really absorb it. But when I went back to it that night, it brought me to tears. I really put my heart into that sermon, and I hope that God was able to speak through it. It felt so right, and so me. And this beautiful art says, "That was authentically you, Katie. This gift for you is for you. The person who you are."
Thank you for seeing that, Mary. Thank you for seeing me.