Saturday, March 5, 2011

Low Self-Esteem Day

I don't know what my deal is lately, but I need some encouragement.  I'm in one of those places where I feel very professionally competent, like I can do anything I want, things are going well on internship, I've made some decisions about after-internship, etc..., but I just feel really unloveable. 
I feel like the more I do professionally, the less I'm worth personally.  I want to have someone to come home to at the end of the day, to make dinner with and for, to cuddle up with on the couch while I read a good book, someone hold my hand when I'm scared.  I want to have someone to give all the love in my heart - to be the one that hugs him when life sucks, or who would turn her life upside down for him. 

I can do anything I want - I'm smart, gifted, talented, blessed with so many abilities.  I can work hard, and make awesome things happen.  But I can't make someone - anyone - love me.  Which is what I really want.  And I feel stupid for even saying that. 

Because I should "be a good Christian," and "fall in love with Jesus," and "accept my gift of singleness" or whatever.  But I'm obviously not a "good Christian," because "good Christian women" know how to bat their eyelashes properly or something, and encourage godly young men to marry them.  Which I've clearly failed at.

I'm tired of waiting, I'm tired of worrying, I'm tired of faking "the joy of the single life" to cover over a fear - a knowledge - that no one will ever fall in love with me.  That I am inherently unloveable.  That there is something about me so profoundly screwed-up - mentally, emotionally, physically - that no one's ever going to want to hold my hand or hug me or kiss me or tell me they love me.  That this - loving somebody - is the one thing I am - and always will be - a complete failure at.  I need to resign myself to this, but I don't know how. 


Kevin Haug said...

O.K., I'm not a professional counselor by any stretch, but I am a pastor and amateurish theologian. That means you can take what I'm about to say with a grain of salt. Giving advice and telling others what to do doesn't usually do much good, but the heart string tugging of your post demanded a response.

#1: "It is not good for man (or woman for that matter) to be alone." Don't be hard on yourself for craving companionship. We were created that way. "Good Christians" don't turn off their feelings and desires for such things. You ain't doing nothing wrong.

#2: I don't know what God has planned for you. I don't know if you are meant to be single for the rest of your days. I don't know if He has a special companion for you to spend your life with. I just don't know. But I do know, even without knowing you, that you are not unlovable. If you feel that way about yourself, you might find that it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Rejoice that you are a child of God. None of His children are unlovable.

#3: You are heading into a difficult profession--one which a social life is next to impossible to maintain. --one that requires a special person to walk by you in. Such people are rare and hard to find. But do you trust that God will provide? Shake your fist at Him. Tell Him He's too slow. But will you lose your trust?

My prayer for you is that God indeed sends you someone to provide the companionship you desire, and I'll pray that He speeds up the process. I'll also pray that He soothes your heart and gives you patience to persevere--whatever the future may hold.


Elizabeth of Hungary said...

Thanks, Kevin. I really appreciate your prayers. I keep trying to trust, but then I have these days where I just feel so pathetic. Thanks for your thoughts and advice.

Kevin Haug said...

You are welcome. We all have those days. When they hit, I try to remember Tony Campolo's story about Sunday comin'.

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