I don't know what my deal is lately, but I need some encouragement. I'm in one of those places where I feel very professionally competent, like I can do anything I want, things are going well on internship, I've made some decisions about after-internship, etc..., but I just feel really unloveable.
I feel like the more I do professionally, the less I'm worth personally. I want to have someone to come home to at the end of the day, to make dinner with and for, to cuddle up with on the couch while I read a good book, someone hold my hand when I'm scared. I want to have someone to give all the love in my heart - to be the one that hugs him when life sucks, or who would turn her life upside down for him.
I can do anything I want - I'm smart, gifted, talented, blessed with so many abilities. I can work hard, and make awesome things happen. But I can't make someone - anyone - love me. Which is what I really want. And I feel stupid for even saying that.
Because I should "be a good Christian," and "fall in love with Jesus," and "accept my gift of singleness" or whatever. But I'm obviously not a "good Christian," because "good Christian women" know how to bat their eyelashes properly or something, and encourage godly young men to marry them. Which I've clearly failed at.
I'm tired of waiting, I'm tired of worrying, I'm tired of faking "the joy of the single life" to cover over a fear - a knowledge - that no one will ever fall in love with me. That I am inherently unloveable. That there is something about me so profoundly screwed-up - mentally, emotionally, physically - that no one's ever going to want to hold my hand or hug me or kiss me or tell me they love me. That this - loving somebody - is the one thing I am - and always will be - a complete failure at. I need to resign myself to this, but I don't know how.