Which, apparently I'm obsessed with, since I seem to blog about them so much...
Anywho, along with this shiny new vocation I've got (or so it seems), I've also got some new thoughts on the single life and the men that are (clearly not) in my life.
I think what women want in a man changes over the course of their lives (one would hope, really, that "captain of the football team" is not the number one priority for a 30-year-old woman). At least, I've noticed this in myself, and I'm pretty sure others have as well. What I wanted when I was 15 or 20 or 25 and even 29 isn't, at least necessarily, what I want - and need - now. And that means changes in the individuals I know that I'm attracted to. Which is interesting to watch take place, as well.
I realized all of this just a couple months ago, when a man I know started bragging on his pastor-wife. Now, I've known plenty of women pastors in my day, a number of whom are married. And I know some of the husbands. But I have never heard anyone talk about his pastor-wife in this way. "She is SO good at what she does. She's a great preacher. And an amazing writer. The congregation is so blessed to have her." And on and on and on. It didn't really hit me at the moment, but it's sort of come to me slowly - for all the talk of "women pastors scare men away", it seems like there's maybe a few out there who aren't afraid.
And I want someone who, when I preach a rockstar sermon, or do something really cool at VBS, or lead some administrative awesomeness, will say, "Yeah, that's my wife." And I want someone who, when I majorly screw something up, will say, "Yep. So, how are you going to fix it? And remember that grace is bigger than everything." Yes, I want someone who will make me laugh, and force my introverted self to get out of the house and go be social, and is a good cuddler, and knows how to make coffee, and is just nerdy enough to "get" me, but not so nerdy that he can't tell me to stop using sermons as a tool for teaching Hebrew/Greek/Latin. I want someone who will send me text messages just to tell me he's thinking about me, and someone who wants to spend time with me - even if it's just sitting on the couch together reading books. But mostly I want someone who wants me to be and do what God wants me to be and do. That's what I want.
And I don't have that person right now. And that's okay. Perhaps not permanently okay, but it's okay at this moment. Because I have some newfound clarity on who I am, and what I'm looking for, and realizing that so much of my "list" from the past no longer applies.
When I was home for my sister's wedding, she and my mom and I were all discussing...something. I forget what, now. Maybe something to do with the centerpieces at the reception? Anyway, in the course of the conversation, I said something akin to, "Well, at my wedding, blah blah blah..." To which my mom replied, "Yeah, so, hurry up and find someone so we can do all this for you." I couldn't answer at the time - I think it would have hurt too much - but what I really wanted to say was, "No. No. I'm tired of trying to 'find someone.' It's about damn time somebody tried to find me."
And so that's where I'll leave it for now. I know who I am, and what God has created me to be and do, at least in this moment, and I know what I'm looking for. I'm looking for someone who's looking for me.