On Boys and Men

Which, apparently I'm obsessed with, since I seem to blog about them so much...

Anywho, along with this shiny new vocation I've got (or so it seems), I've also got some new thoughts on the single life and the men that are (clearly not) in my life. 

I think what women want in a man changes over the course of their lives (one would hope, really, that "captain of the football team" is not the number one priority for a 30-year-old woman).  At least, I've noticed this in myself, and I'm pretty sure others have as well.  What I wanted when I was 15 or 20 or 25 and even 29 isn't, at least necessarily, what I want - and need - now.  And that means changes in the individuals I know that I'm attracted to.  Which is interesting to watch take place, as well. 

I realized all of this just a couple months ago, when a man I know started bragging on his pastor-wife.  Now, I've known plenty of women pastors in my day, a number of whom are married.  And I know some of the husbands.  But I have never heard anyone talk about his pastor-wife in this way.  "She is SO good at what she does.  She's a great preacher.  And an amazing writer.  The congregation is so blessed to have her." And on and on and on.  It didn't really hit me at the moment, but it's sort of come to me slowly - for all the talk of "women pastors scare men away", it seems like there's maybe a few out there who aren't afraid. 

And I want someone who, when I preach a rockstar sermon, or do something really cool at VBS, or lead some administrative awesomeness, will say, "Yeah, that's my wife."  And I want someone who, when I majorly screw something up, will say, "Yep.  So, how are you going to fix it?  And remember that grace is bigger than everything."  Yes, I want someone who will make me laugh, and force my introverted self to get out of the house and go be social, and is a good cuddler, and knows how to make coffee, and is just nerdy enough to "get" me, but not so nerdy that he can't tell me to stop using sermons as a tool for teaching Hebrew/Greek/Latin.  I want someone who will send me text messages just to tell me he's thinking about me, and someone who wants to spend time with me - even if it's just sitting on the couch together reading books.  But mostly I want someone who wants me to be and do what God wants me to be and do.  That's what I want.

And I don't have that person right now.  And that's okay.  Perhaps not permanently okay, but it's okay at this moment.  Because I have some newfound clarity on who I am, and what I'm looking for, and realizing that so much of my "list" from the past no longer applies. 

When I was home for my sister's wedding, she and my mom and I were all discussing...something.  I forget what, now.  Maybe something to do with the centerpieces at the reception?  Anyway, in the course of the conversation, I said something akin to, "Well, at my wedding, blah blah blah..."  To which my mom replied, "Yeah, so, hurry up and find someone so we can do all this for you."  I couldn't answer at the time - I think it would have hurt too much - but what I really wanted to say was, "No.  No.  I'm tired of trying to 'find someone.'  It's about damn time somebody tried to find me." 

And so that's where I'll leave it for now.  I know who I am, and what God has created me to be and do, at least in this moment, and I know what I'm looking for.  I'm looking for someone who's looking for me.

These Men

There's an absolutely fantastic scene from Season One, Episode Five of The West Wing.  The episode is titled "Crackpots and These Women", and the scene comes toward the end of the episode.  The video is here (sorry, it won't let me embed it), and you should watch it.

I was thinking about this scene this past weekend as a friend and I were doing the typical girly thing of talking about guys - and wondering if there's an equivalent scene in a movie or TV show somewhere.  Given some specific circumstances, my friend and I started from a point of "boys are dumb: throw rocks at them".  But with old black-and-white movies on in the background, our discussion came 'round to how much we actually really like guys (frustrating though they may be at times).  We talked about how we missed the "good ol' days" of Fred Astaire and Gene Kelly and Frank Sinatra - back "when men were men".

When there were clearly defined gender roles, and it was okay to like them.  When women could (and did) appreciate what men "brought to the table" and like them just for being men, and vice versa.  Aah, who knows?  Maybe I'm over-romanticizing the past and there never was such a day.  But it just seems like in generations past, men and women behaved in a more civilized fashion towards one another, their interactions were bathed in respect (even if not "like" or "love") and propriety.

It seems to me that feminism - as the movement has played out - has destroyed much of this.  No one I know is against the "novel idea that women should be treated as equals" (or whatever that snarky quote is).  No one I know thinks that women should be denied the vote, or the right to own land/property, or the opportunity for education or a career.  But unfortunately, feminism has devolved into something that is not about lifting up women so much as it is about tearing down men.  And that's unhealthy, unhelpful, and unScriptural, and yes, we are reaping the consequences.

From what I can tell from my own interactions with men, many of them are awkwardly trying to suppress their natural instincts to care for/respect/protect/serve/sacrifice for women in general, because a door held open or a warm jacket offered or an inappropriate remark confronted would imply that a woman is not able to care for herself - that she "needs" a man, and "everybody knows" any woman would find that offensive.  I know many men who withhold making remarks in class or meetings because their contribution will be dismissed as "the white male perspective".  I know men - good, solid, honest, strong, faithful men - who are terrified of asking a woman out or even complimenting her, lest it be construed as an oppressive attempt at objectification.

And that's a darn shame.  Because men aren't all losers - in fact, most of them aren't.  Most men aren't so busy watching football that they miss the births of their own children, or so concerned about beer that they're too distracted to feed the kids vegetables at dinner, or so entranced by a hot woman in the store that they proceed to talk about her to their wives later that evening.  Most guys aren't objectifying every woman they meet or thinking that women are incapable of managing their own lives or interested in oppressing and subjugating the local womenfolk.  Most guys are great - because God made them after his own image, and it was "very good."

So to honor that, I've put together a list: 100 Things I Love About Men:

1. when they roll their shirt sleeves up halfway between their elbow and wrist
2. they know how to build a fire 
3. watching them drive a manual transmission
4. they get excited about a sporting event and start discussing it passionately
5. they make fun of women for doing dumb woman things - peeing in groups, etc...
6. when they take voting seriously
7. when they volunteer to lead a prayer 
8. making a special point to hold the door open for a woman - or another man
9. that they know stuff about cars
10. not needing to ask for directions
11. being secure enough in their masculinity to recognize when it's time to ask for directions
12. that they kill bugs and rodents - even at 3 am
13. when they take their families to church
14. holding a woman's coat to help her put it on
15. being patient when women take a long time to get ready
16. being manly and protective of all women, even ones they aren't married to
17. when they don't add sugar or cream to coffee
18. they will eat practically anything
19. they love to play with babies
20. they are a little bit afraid of babies
21. when the elevator smells all manly after they've just been in it
22. when they are not afraid to follow a woman's instructions to look in her purse to find _______
23. when they refuse to look in a woman's purse out of respect (and a little bit of fear)
24. that the good ones don't seem to know how good they are
25. they are good at fixing things
26. mocking - but secretly liking - chick flicks
27. asking permission to kiss a girl
28. not asking permission to kiss a girl and just doing it instead
29. when their hand gets a little bit sweaty holding a girl's, because they're still a little nervous
30. that they lend a girl their jacket when she is cold, even if it makes them cold
31. patiently explaining the rules of a particular sport...again...
32. when they play "football" with folded up pieces of paper and their thumbs
33. playing actual sports with friends
34. finding ways to be competitive about absolutely everything
35. when they aren't afraid to admit that they can only focus on one thing at a time
36. winking at me from across the room
37. knowing that I need a hug and obliging for as long as necessary
38. when they chop wood for a fireplace
39. they know how I take my coffee - even if it's different from theirs
40. when they offer to carry a woman's luggage
41. they know how to pack the trunk of a car
42. when I announce that chivalry is dead and they go out of their way to prove otherwise
43. when they are really good at listening, especially when it's stuff that's hard to talk about
44. that they are moved to tears more often than girls would expect
45. they will sacrifice anything for their families
46. when they can speak a second language
47. they know when it is therapeutic to offer someone a beer
48. when they can cook
49. when they have dirt under their fingernails from working hard 
50. watching them tie their ties
51. watching them loosen their ties
52. most of them are secretly really smart about at least one subject area
53. when they are so proud to have a son
54. when they are incredibly protective of their daughters
55. when they take care of their pregnant wives
56. when they teach their sons how to treat women
57. when they teach their daughters to demand proper treatment from men
58. they know how to grill meat
59. when they are manly enough to cry
60. when I haven't talked to them in a year and they still remember my birthday
61. washing the car in the driveway on a summer afternoon
62. they can change their own oil
63. they can build stuff
64. they stand up when a woman enters the room
65. when they refuse to work on Sunday
66. when they work on Sundays so their employees don't have to
67. "Hey Lady!  How are you?" (said with a big smile as they walk into a room)
68. shoveling snow
69. when they change their plans just to be with you
70. that they can be "crazy dumb boys" and still, I care about them
71. when they can charm the socks off any woman from 3 months to 85 years old
72. they try to make me laugh
73. they are often more likely than women to simply say what needs to be said
74. when they gently touch my shoulder in an anxious situation, as if to say, "it's okay, I got this"
75. they're not afraid to make fun of themselves
76. how little tolerance they have for female drama
77. that they truly have no idea anything on this list makes them attractive
78. when they ask "How are you?" and "How is your family?" and actually care about the answer
79. when I discover that they have quietly adopted my opinion about something as their own
80. when they are honest enough to admit that they simply don't care about something
81. unexpected hugs
82. when they turn me on to a new food or drink
83. the lengths they will go to in order to solve a problem
84. when they know how to pronounce my last name correctly - and do it
85. shuffling cards
86. first thing in the morning text messages
87. when they tell me my geekiness is cute
88. they want to see women use the gifts God has given them
89. when they use my name a lot when they talk to me
90. when they're willing to admit their weaknesses and confess their sins
91. they stretch out their entire bodies so as to take up the maximum amount of space possible
92. when they take responsibility for organizing activities/hanging out
93. they ask a woman's father for permission to marry her
94. firm handshakes
95. when they respect my sex/violence comfort levels in the movies
96. they take being manly seriously, and work to be seen as such
97. they take care of their sick wives
98. they "don't get sick"
99. they like stuff that blows up
100. they're made in the image of God - which must make God pretty awesome

LOOK. HERE.

"And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds."

~Hebrews 10:24

I am absolutely sick unto death of the unloving, uncharitable, unhelpful, and disrespectful manner in which the sexes have come to treat one another of late. 

I haven't the slightest idea where "obviously it's just her time of the month" and "if you want it done right, ask a woman" come from, in the grand scheme of things.  Perhaps Genesis 3.  Is this stuff as old as the hills?  I don't know, but it needs to end.

Single Dad Laughing wrote about this yesterday from the perspective of how men treat women, and what message is communicated.  Check this out:

It is not the impossibly air brushed females on magazine covers who are causing women to hold themselves against a standard of perfection. No, it's not that at all. Holy crap. Why am I just realizing this? Why doesn't anybody seem to realize this?

It is the men that stop and look at those magazines.

It is because of us, guys. It is because we leave them with no other option. We stop. We look. We comment. We joke. We implant those very thoughts into their way of thinking. We make sure they know that we agree with everything the media has brainwashed us to believe beauty to be.

As far as women constantly comparing themselves to other women and feeling worthless, I think he's maybe a little too hard on himself, but it's his confession, so I'll let him have it.  I do want to point out, however, that women can be very, very hard on each other, even when there are no men directly involved. 

Nonetheless, the point I'm making here is about opposite genders.  So, I headed off to a meeting last night just after I'd read the Single Dad Laughing post above, and so maybe it was in my head a bit.  But at the meeting, we got to discussing an entirely different church building that is very poorly designed.  Think about if you had a split level house with the only bathrooms on the bottom level and the only living room-type area on the top level.  It is pretty poorly designed, I'll admit.  But as the group (5 women, 3 men) was lamenting this issue that doesn't even involve any of them, one of the women in the group declared that, "Obviously, it must have been designed by men."  The other women at the table all laughed and agreed (and I'm trying to remember - I think I just sort of awkwardly laughed), and the men shut up, and shut down.  I didn't really evaluate it in the moment; the fact that the whole thing even happened only really hit me after I got home.