I really like my congregations - they are great, full of wonderful people. The larger of the two is so totally resourceful and has such a good attitude, and the smaller is really good at taking care of each other and doing their own pastoral care.
The towns are awesome as well. Just cute little blink-and-you'll-miss-'em towns, "a stop sign on a map dot", filled with a surprising amount of life and energy and goodness.
But, I am lonely. I have no "friends." Literally, with the exception of a couple old "Norwegian bachelor farmer" types, everyone in town is married, and almost all are older than I am. I love being invited over for dinner at people's houses, and chatting about church stuff or even the weather or town festivals or whatever. But I have no one to crash on the couch and watch movies with, or even to call up and say, "I'm bored, want to drive into town and go see a movie?" Nobody from school to say, "I was reading this book/Bible passage/blog today, and I don't know what to think." Not even any other pastors in town to just "talk shop" with.
I want someone to come home to at the end of the day so I can say, "I had a really long day" or a "I had a really great day". I want to not have to long for the one day a week I'm in the big city so that I have enough cell phone bars to call friends who don't live anywhere near me. I want someone who will lovingly kick my butt into gear when I'm procrastinating. I want to have people - just one or two would be great - around me that I feel like I can trust, really trust, with my own stuff, and it won't be repeated. I want to have somebody to cook with, or lament the fact that there is nowhere to order pizza from.
Maybe it's that I want to have someone near me where our primary relationship is not that of pastor-parishoner, somebody who I can just be myself with. Somebody I can say, "I don't know if this is what I want to do for the rest of my life" to. I've been working on building some other mentoring relationships, in the state and over email, but that's still not the same as a friend.
And to make matters worse, I'm really good at feeling guilty when I feel this way, because "Jesus is your best friend," and "God doesn't give you anything you can't handle" and "He is always right there beside you." Yeah, I get that. But this is still hard.
Sigh...48 weeks to go...
1 comment:
Oh, my, do I hear you, and have I felt nearly the same way, minus the whole pastor-parishioner thing. I'll be praying for a friend, and fast!*hugs*
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