Sunday, May 20, 2012

Graduation Day

A friend asked me today on the way to church how I "feel about today."  I told him, "I don't know.  I don't know how I'm supposed to feel."  Which doesn't really matter, I suppose.  I should feel what I feel, not what anybody else tells me I should feel.  But still.

I feel like all my friends are just super-excited - as well they should be.  Graduation is exciting.  It's a good thing.  It's a ritual to mark all that we've done.  But I'm just not super-excited.  I mostly just want it to be over with. 

Part of it, I think, is my introverted hate-being-the-center-of-attention self.  So, at least there will be 174 other people there.  Still and all, that 5-10 seconds of me, by myself, up there.  What if I trip on the steps or miss some kind of cue or walk faster or slower than I'm supposed to or any other number of things that could happen?  The only thing I hate more than having everyone watch me is looking ridiculous while everyone is watching me.

Part of it, I think, is feeling really...separated...from my friends right now.  Like the people I care about most, I'm most distant from, because of all sorts of reasons.  Some of them are in a different class, and they're all off on internship, and I'm sad that we don't get to do this together.  Some of them I've just been less connected with lately - somewhat intentionally on my part, and somewhat intentionally on their part.  

Part of it is, I think, feeling like this thing is ending, but nothing else is really beginning.  I'm more than a month away from the draft, before I know anything else about what is happening.  Just...hanging out.  Going to a couple ordinations this week, and then I'm going home for my sister's wedding.

And that's part of it too.  What's next is that I'm spending three weeks at home getting ready for her wedding.  Which will definitely be long enough.  I'm frustrated because I'm the only person who is taking that much time off from work and - life, really - to be there for this wedding, and no one seems to really appreciate that.  I don't live there anymore, and I don't have friends there, and there's really nothing for me to do in my parents' dealing with wedding stuff.  And every time we talk about the wedding, I feel inadequate.  Like love is the one thing I haven't proven I can be successful at, and what's wrong with me that this is true?  Every time my mom goes on one of her "I can't believe how wonderful Fiancee is" monologues, it leaves me feeling 4 inches tall.  Like if I were only skinnier/prettier/more graceful/more ladylike/more alluring/more perfect/smarter/funnier/ontologically just...better...somehow, someone would want me.  But I'm not, and no one does, and so I'll just have to a) try harder at that particular endeavor, and b) gird my loins, try my hardest, and do all these other things, so that at least I can claim I'm successful at something, even if it is entirely by myself.  And I'm just not looking forward to being confronted with that every moment of every day for three weeks. 

Part of it is, I think, that I'm just not sure why this is that big of a deal.  There was never any doubt in my mind that I would graduate, that I would be able to complete the requirements to obtain this degree.  It's not my dream, it's not my life's goal, it's just...apparently the direction God has led/is leading me, and it's where I am now, so, whatevs.

And I think because I think all of these things - that I don't feel the way I'm supposed to, that I'm disconnected from the people I care most about, that I don't have anything really to look forward to, that I don't think it's a huge deal - makes me feel even more like I just don't really fit in anywhere right now.  Because I don't think anyone else feels that way...which makes it hard to be excited...let the cycle begin again....

Eh.  I'm ready for it to be over, that's how I feel.  Is that terrible?

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