Anyway, I think it's the idea that all of this is coming to an end. I'm almost done - graduation is in just a couple weeks, and then it's...who knows what? I like school so much, and I wanted to get into grad school so badly, for a whole lot of reasons, and that didn't happen. I don't know why, and I'm as confused as all the people who said, "What? How did you not get in?" I have no idea.
But apparently God wants me preaching in the ELCA, at least for the time being, so there we go. That's what I'm doing, and I'll do it gladly. Assignment is in June, and I guess we'll just see what happens. Here we go, God.
I miss my friends, too. I have lots of great friends here, they're wonderful. But none of them are my best friend. I have three people that I would consider my BFFs - all of them read this blog, and you know who you are. I miss you guys like crazy, and I wish I lived to closer to any (all) of you so we could hang out and do the things that BFFs do. It's hard to be single in a world made for couples, and it's hard to be friends with people who are best friends. It's hard to go to a party when everyone there is "with" someone else - and know that I'm there "by myself" - no matter how much I'm friends with all of them. At the end of the night, I'm going home alone and they're going home with their spouse or BFF to dish. I don't begrudge anybody their relationships - their marriages or SOs or BFFs - I love mine too. I just wish mine were around to hang with. I need a bigger circle of friends, and I feel like every time I find one, they move or disappear or I end up being their "second" friend. Meh. It's time for me to get out of this place.
Speaking of friends, me and a couple of mine have been doing a Bible study on 1 Peter. This past week we did 1 Peter 3, which starts with,
"Likewise, wives, be subject to your husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external, - the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear - but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening. Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered."I know a lot of people think this isn't worth much in the modern age, that at best, it was nice back in 1st century Palestine when marriage was all women had going for them, but now, we've become so enlightened and blah blah blah. But I don't know, it's in the canon, so as far as I'm concerned, we have to deal with it. And the thing about dealing with it is, at least for me, I wish I was that person. I wish that I had a hidden heart and an imperishably beautiful gentle and quiet spirit. But I don't. I don't do nearly enough good, and I fear lots of things that are frightening. And I don't know how to not be that way. Because when I'm being gentle and quiet, most of the thoughts in my head are really self-defeating: "Of course no one wants to listen to what you have to say. Stop thinking you always need to be the center of attention. Why don't you shut up for once? No one wants to be around you."
I think that there are no men out there who - will ever - appreciate who I am. I'm pretty sure they are all turned off by my brash loudness, or alternatively, don't understand and don't know how to support my desire to learn to be gentle and quiet in healthy ways. All the liberated men don't understand why I want to learn to be Biblical, and all the conservative ones can see for themselves that I'm not. Excellent. I am a rock star.
Ugh. Sorry to my four readers that this blog is like the All Depression, All the Time Channel. Some of what I'm doing though, is just working through my own issues, and it helps to write them down and name them for myself.